A more important point that I think gets lost is that you need the right therapist. If a therapist makes you feel worse, keeps you stuck in a cycle of rumination and self doubt, or doesn't know what when enough is good enough, they're not a good therapist. I also have a negative knee jerk reaction to any broad strokes comment about men vs. women (as someone who grew up around mostly boys and always finds herself talking to the guys at the party instead of the ladies), but I'm also old enough at this point to not care too much when I read them.
The best thing about what you wrote (and that you buried the line on a little) is the message of being overstimulated and underwhelmed while not taking the time to just "be." So, so important. Thanks for sharing that.
Man, your soul talk (which you name speech therapy) is spot on. This is why I feel strong resistance against over psychologizing stuff, as well as against all the fluffiness so often found with therapists (and more often with women therapists who are of the over-caring , over-empath type).
I am a woman. No. You are wrong. Modern Therapy does NOT "Work for women."
It works for no one. The Data is substantial in this.
I am a Psychological Scientist and Founder of Psychological Physics recognized Internationally for my Work.
What you are expressing in this article is due to the Fraud of a ConMan by the name of Robert Spitzer, who covered up and capitalized on falsified Data to rewrite modern psychology in the year 1980 to meet his own Agenda.
Psychology is a science that utilizes mathematics and Logic and is highly predictable. Your sources and data is highly reflective of the con job that Robert Spitzer pulled off.
I went to therapy at different points in my 20s for "depression" - over time I just decided to stop-including the meds that would always follow. I eventually realized none of these therapists truly did anything to move the needle. I dumped money and time into a hope I could be "cured". Frankly, I never walked away from a session with any profound insights. I found those on my own through my own inner work. IMO, therapy isn't designed to help, it's designed to keep you chasing your tail; that's why there's an uptick in coaches, they aren't preoccupied with ruminating on the past, they want to move you forward. Depression is self inflicted by our repetitive counterproductive thoughts. You don't need meds, you need to rehab your mind. And as someone who walks the talk, no it's not easy...but it is possible.
This is maybe the first thing you've ever said where I felt like you are making your personal experience waaay too general... and I say that as someone who also had to reject therapy as an option.
I think one of the main issues with men and therapy is that most men are drowning under the weight of patriarchal masculinity standards, and therapists have yet to see how critical it is to unpack that in their lives. Most therapists don't even understand this engine that runs our world, they focus on feelings, but not why men constantly feel smothered and inferior.
What causes men to feel this "stuckness"? The world promising them something—"power, women, respect, money"—in a system only a few men are able to actually succeed in. If you're constantly told that you get ice cream after dinner and maybe once a month you actually do? You've been betrayed.
Until we free men from the toxic patriarchal standards of "manliness" they must endlessly perform, that they must be a certain height or body mass or have hair, must be alpha among their boys... these are standards that must be performed, endlessly, and any slip in them can lose you the "man card"... it makes life a constant performance. Unless those standards are dismantled, men will continually be crushed under these inferiority complexes.
Just look at the men in charge of the US now. All of them (Trump, Bezos, Musk, Zuck) are all men who constantly fail to uphold patriarchal masculinity standards, embarrass themselves (go watch Zuck on Joe Rogan and you'll see what I'm talking about), then double-down on talking about how manly they are. Bezos was literally a computer geek and now all he does is pump iron and do photoshoots that look like he's either doing viagara commercials or a country album... all because he's desperately trying to prove that he's "manly."
I recommend reading the patriarchy series by Celeste Davis here on Substack (Matriarchal Blessing). She's brilliant, she cares about men, and she makes it so easy to understand.
Also yes to anyone who mentioned finding the right therapist is just as important, but I'll also go on record saying the right TYPE of therapist is important too. Talking about where you come from and what made you the way you are is not helpful if you're already introspective. Getting Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to help you manage all your feelings is a totally different type of therapy, for example.
So yeah, sorry, but while there are parts of this that I absolutely sympathize with, I feel like your whole perspective on this idea is a little bit limited...
If anyone wants a really good look at how patriarchal masculinity shapes male culture, incidentally, I highly recommend the 2013 film Don Jon with Joseph Gordon Levitt:
I'm afraid this post is misguided. You tried one therapist? That's like dating one wrong person and saying dating isn't for you. Therapy was never intended to fix things *for* you, it was created to provide guidance while you undo the aspects of your experiences that created maladaptive behaviors. As a psychologist, it sounds to me that you were in the midst of breaking down the unhealthy ways of coping when you decided to give up therapy because you did not feel in control anymore. Therapy is uncomfortable. Partly because you're learning how to develop healthy (new-to-you) ways of dealing with the world, while also unpacking the parts of your psyche that you've stuffed down throughout your life that make you believe you aren't good enough/worthy/loved.
I've been a long-time follower of your musings, and I've supported you throughout the years, but I really cannot get behind this message. It's harmful, and can encourage people to spend many more years unnecessarily suffering instead of finding a therapist that is right for them. Many people need the support of someone who has studied human behavior for a decade to just get their licensure, because many people do not have the necessary tools to navigate the debilitating parts of life that create paralysis around fear. Should people still fight to have a better grasp on life when they feel they are at their worst? Absolutely. You don't need a therapist to do that. But what we aren't going to do is villify a profession designed to help people understand themselves in a world that is increasingly difficult and confusing to navigate with mental health issues.
This is a great piece because it made me look at both sides of the argument.
I wouldn’t be where I am today without talk therapy and modern chemistry, and facing a lot of hard fucking truths. I just completed dialectical behavioral therapy less than a week ago and I told my therapist this was the last time I’d be in therapy. This is why:
I began seeing therapy as me trying to live my life in order to meet the expectations of someone who doesn’t know my struggle. My life is mine to live. No one carries what I do, fuck their expectations.
I started therapizing myself, thereby making my therapist a sounding board and validator of sorts.
Therapy can both be harmful and helpful. Live your authentic life and joke ‘em if they can’t take a fuck. 💜
There once was a tv show called Bones and they called psychology a soft science and I kinda agree - it’s all a calculated opinion on how they think you should handle specific situation’s. Like you said sometimes you just need someone to hash it out with and I agree. I’m sure my short but sweet response won’t be taken well by some but it is what it is .
I think you are absolutely correct. People put too much stock in the brainwashing in todays society. I could give examples but I'd just piss woke people off. Get a fushing pole, a good dog, or just go camping and get away from everything. There's a reason for the expression "Happy Camper"
Hmm. It’s really interesting -and I don’t know if you’ve realized quite yet - that the three things you did were examples of cultivating feelings of love and not power. And for the sake of leveling with you, if these were truly to cultivate feelings of power as a man, why are love and power mutually exclusive? If the aim was to feel powerful, love can still be there (and vice versa).
This is your personal experience and if therapy doesn’t work for you, it doesn’t. However, I think this take is a bit of a fallacy.
That quote is from the Modern Wisdom podcast with Chris Williamson. “Male depression gets treated like female depression. Men are made to feel loved and accepted when all they want is to feel capable and powerful”
Hi, Woman here. Who has had 1 really good experience. 1 mediocre one and one very real one, albeit unsuccessful, not to the therapists fault. I enjoyed reading your perspective, because I don’t think you’re wrong. Also, as someone that has tried to get a man or two to go to therapy, or just “go talk to someone” - that would give them a dose of reality, and has also encouraged them to find something to give them their sense of purpose, what you wrote resonated. I’ll add that I’ve been digging into a lot of non traditional methods, shadow work being one, led by the right person, is I think extremely important as it integrates all parts of ourselves.
I completely agree with your observation about therapy
I’ve done therapy most of my life and it really did nothing for me aside from dialectical behavior therapy which is tool based, meaning actual life tools to deal with challenging circumstances and the experience of living in general. Otherwise being in life, experiencing life, learning first hand from life IS therapy if you can prevent yourself from getting stuck or ruminating on what did not go the way you wanted it to.
Thank you for your contribution to our living experience.
For sure a controversial headline, but this is your place to write about your opinions on things based on your experiences in life. It will help someone that needed to read exactly this, today. As is already pointed out in a comment, I like the line that we are overstimulated and underwhelmed. AND also finding the RIGHT therapist, if therapy is what's right for you. My therapy journey started because I wanted to address the relationship I have with my mother. (How predictable is that?!) And I have worked through much of what I wanted to work through, so I am about finished with therapy for the time being... but who knows? I might want to work something else out in the future. And if I find the right therapist for the job, then so be it. If not, then hopefully I can turn off and tune out for long enough to just sit with it. Thank you for writing about this.
I am a psychotherapist, have been for over a decade, and I wholeheartedly empathize with your experience. Therapy once made my mental health worse too. Finding a therapist who will nurture you to grow and create is a wild treasure hunt. Most of my colleagues mindlessly sit through sessions as though they’re on an assembly line looking for faults and focused on performance outcomes. Therapy needs to be a creative collaboration. If not, it’s nothing more than a mind-numbing way to waste time and money to become a version of yourself that some stuffy professional with credentials shapes you to be.
A more important point that I think gets lost is that you need the right therapist. If a therapist makes you feel worse, keeps you stuck in a cycle of rumination and self doubt, or doesn't know what when enough is good enough, they're not a good therapist. I also have a negative knee jerk reaction to any broad strokes comment about men vs. women (as someone who grew up around mostly boys and always finds herself talking to the guys at the party instead of the ladies), but I'm also old enough at this point to not care too much when I read them.
The best thing about what you wrote (and that you buried the line on a little) is the message of being overstimulated and underwhelmed while not taking the time to just "be." So, so important. Thanks for sharing that.
Daily long walks to clear the mind and add clarity they’re healthy and free
Man, your soul talk (which you name speech therapy) is spot on. This is why I feel strong resistance against over psychologizing stuff, as well as against all the fluffiness so often found with therapists (and more often with women therapists who are of the over-caring , over-empath type).
I am a woman. No. You are wrong. Modern Therapy does NOT "Work for women."
It works for no one. The Data is substantial in this.
I am a Psychological Scientist and Founder of Psychological Physics recognized Internationally for my Work.
What you are expressing in this article is due to the Fraud of a ConMan by the name of Robert Spitzer, who covered up and capitalized on falsified Data to rewrite modern psychology in the year 1980 to meet his own Agenda.
Psychology is a science that utilizes mathematics and Logic and is highly predictable. Your sources and data is highly reflective of the con job that Robert Spitzer pulled off.
I very kindly encourage you to do more research.
I went to therapy at different points in my 20s for "depression" - over time I just decided to stop-including the meds that would always follow. I eventually realized none of these therapists truly did anything to move the needle. I dumped money and time into a hope I could be "cured". Frankly, I never walked away from a session with any profound insights. I found those on my own through my own inner work. IMO, therapy isn't designed to help, it's designed to keep you chasing your tail; that's why there's an uptick in coaches, they aren't preoccupied with ruminating on the past, they want to move you forward. Depression is self inflicted by our repetitive counterproductive thoughts. You don't need meds, you need to rehab your mind. And as someone who walks the talk, no it's not easy...but it is possible.
This is maybe the first thing you've ever said where I felt like you are making your personal experience waaay too general... and I say that as someone who also had to reject therapy as an option.
I think one of the main issues with men and therapy is that most men are drowning under the weight of patriarchal masculinity standards, and therapists have yet to see how critical it is to unpack that in their lives. Most therapists don't even understand this engine that runs our world, they focus on feelings, but not why men constantly feel smothered and inferior.
What causes men to feel this "stuckness"? The world promising them something—"power, women, respect, money"—in a system only a few men are able to actually succeed in. If you're constantly told that you get ice cream after dinner and maybe once a month you actually do? You've been betrayed.
Until we free men from the toxic patriarchal standards of "manliness" they must endlessly perform, that they must be a certain height or body mass or have hair, must be alpha among their boys... these are standards that must be performed, endlessly, and any slip in them can lose you the "man card"... it makes life a constant performance. Unless those standards are dismantled, men will continually be crushed under these inferiority complexes.
Just look at the men in charge of the US now. All of them (Trump, Bezos, Musk, Zuck) are all men who constantly fail to uphold patriarchal masculinity standards, embarrass themselves (go watch Zuck on Joe Rogan and you'll see what I'm talking about), then double-down on talking about how manly they are. Bezos was literally a computer geek and now all he does is pump iron and do photoshoots that look like he's either doing viagara commercials or a country album... all because he's desperately trying to prove that he's "manly."
I recommend reading the patriarchy series by Celeste Davis here on Substack (Matriarchal Blessing). She's brilliant, she cares about men, and she makes it so easy to understand.
Also yes to anyone who mentioned finding the right therapist is just as important, but I'll also go on record saying the right TYPE of therapist is important too. Talking about where you come from and what made you the way you are is not helpful if you're already introspective. Getting Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to help you manage all your feelings is a totally different type of therapy, for example.
So yeah, sorry, but while there are parts of this that I absolutely sympathize with, I feel like your whole perspective on this idea is a little bit limited...
If anyone wants a really good look at how patriarchal masculinity shapes male culture, incidentally, I highly recommend the 2013 film Don Jon with Joseph Gordon Levitt:
https://substack.com/@bearwiseman/p-158425097
I'm afraid this post is misguided. You tried one therapist? That's like dating one wrong person and saying dating isn't for you. Therapy was never intended to fix things *for* you, it was created to provide guidance while you undo the aspects of your experiences that created maladaptive behaviors. As a psychologist, it sounds to me that you were in the midst of breaking down the unhealthy ways of coping when you decided to give up therapy because you did not feel in control anymore. Therapy is uncomfortable. Partly because you're learning how to develop healthy (new-to-you) ways of dealing with the world, while also unpacking the parts of your psyche that you've stuffed down throughout your life that make you believe you aren't good enough/worthy/loved.
I've been a long-time follower of your musings, and I've supported you throughout the years, but I really cannot get behind this message. It's harmful, and can encourage people to spend many more years unnecessarily suffering instead of finding a therapist that is right for them. Many people need the support of someone who has studied human behavior for a decade to just get their licensure, because many people do not have the necessary tools to navigate the debilitating parts of life that create paralysis around fear. Should people still fight to have a better grasp on life when they feel they are at their worst? Absolutely. You don't need a therapist to do that. But what we aren't going to do is villify a profession designed to help people understand themselves in a world that is increasingly difficult and confusing to navigate with mental health issues.
This is a great piece because it made me look at both sides of the argument.
I wouldn’t be where I am today without talk therapy and modern chemistry, and facing a lot of hard fucking truths. I just completed dialectical behavioral therapy less than a week ago and I told my therapist this was the last time I’d be in therapy. This is why:
I began seeing therapy as me trying to live my life in order to meet the expectations of someone who doesn’t know my struggle. My life is mine to live. No one carries what I do, fuck their expectations.
I started therapizing myself, thereby making my therapist a sounding board and validator of sorts.
Therapy can both be harmful and helpful. Live your authentic life and joke ‘em if they can’t take a fuck. 💜
There once was a tv show called Bones and they called psychology a soft science and I kinda agree - it’s all a calculated opinion on how they think you should handle specific situation’s. Like you said sometimes you just need someone to hash it out with and I agree. I’m sure my short but sweet response won’t be taken well by some but it is what it is .
I think you are absolutely correct. People put too much stock in the brainwashing in todays society. I could give examples but I'd just piss woke people off. Get a fushing pole, a good dog, or just go camping and get away from everything. There's a reason for the expression "Happy Camper"
Hmm. It’s really interesting -and I don’t know if you’ve realized quite yet - that the three things you did were examples of cultivating feelings of love and not power. And for the sake of leveling with you, if these were truly to cultivate feelings of power as a man, why are love and power mutually exclusive? If the aim was to feel powerful, love can still be there (and vice versa).
This is your personal experience and if therapy doesn’t work for you, it doesn’t. However, I think this take is a bit of a fallacy.
That quote is from the Modern Wisdom podcast with Chris Williamson. “Male depression gets treated like female depression. Men are made to feel loved and accepted when all they want is to feel capable and powerful”
Hi, Woman here. Who has had 1 really good experience. 1 mediocre one and one very real one, albeit unsuccessful, not to the therapists fault. I enjoyed reading your perspective, because I don’t think you’re wrong. Also, as someone that has tried to get a man or two to go to therapy, or just “go talk to someone” - that would give them a dose of reality, and has also encouraged them to find something to give them their sense of purpose, what you wrote resonated. I’ll add that I’ve been digging into a lot of non traditional methods, shadow work being one, led by the right person, is I think extremely important as it integrates all parts of ourselves.
Also if you have the interest check out eyes in on IG, good perspectives from a man.
I completely agree with your observation about therapy
I’ve done therapy most of my life and it really did nothing for me aside from dialectical behavior therapy which is tool based, meaning actual life tools to deal with challenging circumstances and the experience of living in general. Otherwise being in life, experiencing life, learning first hand from life IS therapy if you can prevent yourself from getting stuck or ruminating on what did not go the way you wanted it to.
Thank you for your contribution to our living experience.
I pre ordered your book
For sure a controversial headline, but this is your place to write about your opinions on things based on your experiences in life. It will help someone that needed to read exactly this, today. As is already pointed out in a comment, I like the line that we are overstimulated and underwhelmed. AND also finding the RIGHT therapist, if therapy is what's right for you. My therapy journey started because I wanted to address the relationship I have with my mother. (How predictable is that?!) And I have worked through much of what I wanted to work through, so I am about finished with therapy for the time being... but who knows? I might want to work something else out in the future. And if I find the right therapist for the job, then so be it. If not, then hopefully I can turn off and tune out for long enough to just sit with it. Thank you for writing about this.
I am my greatest critic.
I am a psychotherapist, have been for over a decade, and I wholeheartedly empathize with your experience. Therapy once made my mental health worse too. Finding a therapist who will nurture you to grow and create is a wild treasure hunt. Most of my colleagues mindlessly sit through sessions as though they’re on an assembly line looking for faults and focused on performance outcomes. Therapy needs to be a creative collaboration. If not, it’s nothing more than a mind-numbing way to waste time and money to become a version of yourself that some stuffy professional with credentials shapes you to be.